Parents are preparing for children to take their first steps to be independent. It can be difficult to do this. Teens aren’t just being prepared for college or a career, they’re becoming adults. But with highly scheduled, busy lives, teens today can find themselves missing the space they need to become self-reliant and independent. Or, in the words of Susan Engel in this fascinating op-ed from the New York Times (do read the whole article if you missed it):
“We want young people to become independent and capable, yet we structure their days to the minute and give them few opportunities to do anything but answer multiple-choice questions, follow instructions, and memorize information. We cast social interaction as an impediment to learning, yet all evidence points to the huge role it plays in their psychological development.”
So what does this mean? For one thing, no matter how high parental expectations are, parents have to give their teens space to make their own decisions. That means letting go, even if it means letting a teen quit a longtime extracurricular or make choices that differ from the ones parents might like them to make. As this recent Bethesda Magazine article notes, “[W]e can’t expect our children to be the second coming of our perfect selves.” The article also mentions a recent book by Dr. Brad Sachs, The Good Enough Teen.
The Good Enough Teen is an adolescent-focused addition to the latest crop of parenting books that endorse a more hands-off approach to raising children and teens (others include Red Flags or Red Herrings by Susan Engel and Nurture Shock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman). One philosophy these books seem to share is that, at the end of the day, parents have little control over how their teens think or what their expectations are; it is their own expectations that they can adjust accordingly.
Of course, parents want to keep their teens safe, happy, and healthy; there are curfews, graduated driver’s licenses, doctors, counselors, and the good habits parents teach by example. They can encourage teens to eat right and make sure they’re getting enough sleep, but accepting certain behaviors, like occasional dishonesty or seeming withdrawn, as natural – rather than fighting them – gives parents a chance to open a dialogue with their teens. And teens, in turn, can feel like there’s less pressure on them, giving them the confidence to make their own responsible decisions when they enter adulthood.